Learning to Sit With Difficult Emotions in Recovery

Aug 29

Shada Hernandez | Psychology & Recovery Wellness Writer

One thing that does not get talked about enough in recovery is what happens when you actually have to feel your feelings.

Recovery does not suddenly make anger, sadness, anxiety, loneliness, disappointment, grief, or frustration disappear. If anything, there may be times when emotions seem louder because you are no longer responding to them in the same ways you did before.

Learning to sit with difficult emotions can be uncomfortable. It takes time to recognize what you are feeling, understand where it may be coming from, and decide how you want to respond.

But feeling uncomfortable does not always mean something is wrong.

Sometimes discomfort is simply part of learning how to live differently.

You Do Not Have to Run From Every Feeling

When an uncomfortable emotion shows up, our first reaction may be to make it stop.

We distract ourselves. We stay busy. We avoid certain conversations. We isolate. We scroll through our phones. And sometimes substances have been used as another way to temporarily escape what we do not want to feel.

The problem is that avoiding an emotion does not necessarily resolve whatever created it.

Research on emotion regulation has shown that the ways people respond to emotions can influence psychological well-being. Aldao et al. (2010) found associations between several emotion-regulation strategies and mental health concerns, highlighting the importance of developing healthier ways of managing emotional experiences.

Recovery gives us an opportunity to practice something different.

Instead of immediately asking, “How do I make this feeling go away?” we can begin asking, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?”

Sitting With an Emotion Does Not Mean Letting It Control You

There is an important difference between feeling an emotion and allowing that emotion to make every decision for you.

You can be angry without reacting impulsively.

You can feel anxious without automatically avoiding everything that makes you uncomfortable.

You can feel lonely without returning to relationships or environments that are unhealthy for you.

You can have a difficult day without deciding that all of your progress has disappeared.

That space between feeling and reacting can become incredibly important in recovery.

Mindfulness-based approaches can help people develop greater awareness of thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without immediately reacting to them. Research examining mindfulness-based interventions suggests that mindfulness practices may be useful as part of treatment for substance misuse (Li et al., 2017).

The goal is not to become emotionless.

The goal is to learn that an emotion can be present without automatically becoming an instruction.

Start by Naming What You Feel

Sometimes the hardest part is figuring out exactly what you are feeling.

“I feel bad” might actually mean:

I feel embarrassed.

I feel rejected.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel lonely.

I feel disappointed.

I am worried.

I am angry.

I am grieving.

Putting a name to an emotion can help us slow down and better understand what we are experiencing. Instead of becoming completely consumed by the feeling, we can begin observing it.

It may help to ask:

What am I feeling right now?

What happened before I started feeling this way?

Where do I notice this emotion in my body?

What do I need right now?

What response will support the life I am trying to build?

You may not have all the answers immediately. That is okay. The purpose is to become curious about your emotions instead of automatically trying to escape them.

Difficult Emotions Are Not a Sign That Recovery Is Failing

There can be an unrealistic expectation that recovery should eventually mean feeling good all the time.

That is not how life works.

Recovery does not protect us from grief, conflict, stress, financial problems, disappointment, relationship changes, or unexpected challenges. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA, 2023) describes recovery as a process of change involving improvements in health and wellness and working toward one's full potential.

A process includes difficult moments.

Having a bad day does not erase months or years of Growth.

Feeling overwhelmed does not erase the coping skills you have developed.

Needing support does not erase your independence.

Recovery is not about never struggling again. It is about developing healthier ways to respond when struggles happen.

Build More Than One Way to Cope

Sitting with an emotion does not mean doing absolutely nothing about it.

Sometimes you need to feel the emotion and do something healthy to care for yourself.

That might mean going for a walk, strength training, gardening, journaling, listening to music, practicing mindfulness, attending a recovery meeting, spending time outside, talking with someone you trust, or working with a mental health professional.

Physical activity can be one useful part of that toolbox. A large overview of systematic reviews found that physical activity interventions can help reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, and psychological distress in adults (Singh et al., 2023).

But balance matters here too.

Exercise should not have to fix every bad day. Neither should journaling, meditation, work, or any other single coping strategy.

Having several healthy coping skills gives you options because different situations may require different kinds of support.

Sometimes You Need Someone Else in the Room

There are emotions we can work through independently, and there are times when we need support.

Talking with a counselor, recovery professional, peer-support specialist, sponsor, trusted friend, family member, or another supportive person can provide a different perspective and remind us that we do not have to work through every difficult experience alone.

SAMHSA (2023) identifies community and supportive relationships as important dimensions of recovery. Connection matters because recovery is not simply an individual effort to become stronger. It can also involve learning when and how to reach out for healthy support.

There is strength in developing coping skills.

There is also strength in recognizing when your own coping skills are not enough for what you are carrying.

Give Yourself Time to Respond

Not every emotion requires an immediate decision.

This is something I think is especially important.

When emotions are intense, everything can feel urgent. You may feel like you need to send the message, make the decision, end the relationship, confront someone, or solve the entire problem right now.

Sometimes the healthier choice is to give yourself some time.

Notice what you are feeling. Use a coping strategy. Talk with someone you trust. Sleep on the decision when appropriate. Then decide what you want to do.

Creating space between emotion and action gives you an opportunity to respond based on your values rather than simply reacting to what you feel in the moment.

Learning to Be Present With Yourself

Recovery is often described as letting go of substances, unhealthy behaviors, or old ways of living.

But recovery is also about learning what to do with everything that remains.

The emotions.

The memories.

The responsibilities.

The relationships.

The uncertainty.

And everyday life.

Learning to sit with difficult emotions does not mean enjoying them. It does not mean pretending painful experiences are positive. And it certainly does not mean handling everything alone.

It means learning to experience an uncomfortable feeling, acknowledge it, care for yourself, reach for support when you need it, and choose what happens next.

Some days you will handle that better than others.

That is part of being human.

Recovery does not require you to never feel uncomfortable again.

Sometimes recovery is learning to feel something difficult without having to run from it.

References

Aldao, A., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Schweizer, S. (2010). Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(2), 217–237. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2009.11.004

Li, W., Howard, M. O., Garland, E. L., McGovern, P., & Lazar, M. (2017). Mindfulness treatment for substance misuse: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment, 75, 62–96. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jsat.2017.01.008

Singh, B., Olds, T., Curtis, R., Dumuid, D., Virgara, R., Watson, A., Szeto, K., O'Connor, E., Ferguson, T., Eglitis, E., Miatke, A., Simpson, C. E. M., & Maher, C. (2023). Effectiveness of physical activity interventions for improving depression, anxiety and distress: An overview of systematic reviews. British Journal of Sports Medicine, 57(18), 1203–1209. https://doi.org/10.1136/bjsports-2022-106195

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2023). Recovery and recovery support. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

House of Serenity Disclaimer

The information provided by House of Serenity is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional mental health, medical, or substance use treatment. The content is based on research, educational resources, and my academic background in psychology and addiction treatment and recovery. Always seek guidance from a qualified healthcare or mental health professional regarding concerns about your mental health, substance use, recovery, or treatment.